Lately I’ve been taking Gus for long walks every morning. That’s the beauty of working at a place where 9:30 is considered the official start of the work day. I actually get to start my day before I start my day. I’m usually up around 7, I make myself some coffee to go, throw my
rat’s nest hair into a bun and head out for a walk around the neighborhood with the pup. Gus is the worst walker, which means that I spend most of the time being yanked and pulled all over the street, but it’s still a pretty stellar way to start the day (unless of course I forget to put a bra on and then it’s just painful).
This morning was kind of weird for us though… about two minutes into our walk, Gus pounced on and then started savagely eating what I can only assume was a human bone that he found in the street. It was so big, there’s no way it came from a bucket of KFC… nope. It was definitely a human femur. Creepy and gross because I had to try and pry it out of his mouth. Nothing like a little carcass to start your day. And during our tug o’ war, he must have gotten some of it lodged in his throat because he coughed/threw up a little on my foot. Which is disgusting obviously, but even worse when you have nothing to clean it up with. So I just rinsed it off with my coffee.
No big deal, dog barf is part of the job. Onward!
A few minutes later, we stumbled across this big old house that is clearly under renovation. It was so weird though because there were approximately 10 people working on the porch at one time. At first I thought that they were all going to break out into song/choreographed dance because it was seriously the stage for a working-class musical. But THEN I looked up and saw an old lady sitting and staring out of one of the second floor windows. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Pretty Little Liars lately (actually, that’s not a maybe. i HAVE been watching too much of it. it’s embarrassing. please help.) but now I’m fairly certain all those workers were there to clean up a crime that the old lady was trying to cover up. It was ca-reepy. She was staring RIGHT at me. So what’s a girl to do? Take a picture of course!
[ she’s hard to see but she’s there. oh yes, she’s there. ]
Luckily Gus yanked us the other way before we were murdered, so that’s cool. Again, onward!
Ok, so I must have some kind of naked lady karma because AGAIN! We were minding our own business, walking down the sidewalk and just as we were passing this one house, someone opened their door. And there they stood, a fully clothed dude and fully nude lady, making out. Her (ahem) backside was facing us so Gus and I got a nice clear shot of her toosh. Seriously, WHO makes out with someone in front of their wide-open front door NAKED? What is happening. I applaud her creative way to send her husband off to work – but c’mon. I’m a stranger and I saw her butt! So, what’s a girl to do? Take a picture of course!
Get your head out of the gutter, I did not take a picture of that.
You know, just your typical walk around the neighborhood. The one good thing that happened though is that we ended up at this really pretty overlook. In a neighborhood called Overlook. So we… looked over. It was purty. It made all the vomit, crime scenes and buttcracks worth it.
Oh but then while I was getting ready for work I found a cluster of gray hairs on my head… like 7 of them all in a 1-inch radius. That has nothing to do with the dog walk but it was f*cking traumatic, to say the least. If this is happening in my twenties, I can’t imagine what’s going to happen in my thirties. I’m going to look like George Clooney by the time I’m 38. Which actually makes sense since I have this uncanny ability to attract naked ladies. HEYO!
** Sidenote. I do not discriminate against naked men. In fact, Casey and I saw a man’s business the other day when he decided to pee right next to us on the sidewalk of a very busy street.
And on that note, Portland is awesome! Everyone come visit! Bring your kids!